I've never written a blog before. I don't except anyone will read this especially anyone who knows me...and in a way that brings me comfort. I am sitting in my parents house listening to my dog snore(she's a pug so she is very loud) and I am 21 without a job or a license. I have been going to college for 3 years for a psych degree but decided that I wanted a semester off. Now I'm not sure when I'll go back because I decided to give a shot at joining the Air force. It's a very radical thing for me to do and something no one excepted I would do. I've been surrounded by military all my life though,my father was in the air force for 20+ years and my stepfather was in the Navy then the Army for 20years. Other then the air force bit I feel like a pretty big failure when I see my stats all put out there. Oh well, that's me.
I should probably explain the name of my blog. My name is Krystina all my life close friends and family have called me Tina, even though my mother swore I would have no nickname a playmate of mine as a child couldn't say my full name and it stuck. I've always been slightly...off. In a good way(I hope..). I've always had an odd aura about me(or at least everyone tells me). So the dreamy looks I get when I spaced off started being called Tinaland.
I guess my real reason for starting a blog is I want to complain without bothering anyone who knows me(at least I'm honest, right?). It's also that if someone wants to read this they can and if they don't...well they don't have to. So on my first lists of complaints is my First, as he shall be called from now on. My First in everything. I was 17, a couple weeks shy of 18, when he became my first boyfriend AND kiss. I, being me, found the entire situation(I had a shitty day and had just decided that day to give up on my crush of him) so hysterical I couldn't stop laughing when we were kissing(and I mean I couldn't breath it was bad...I'm a dork like that). He actually calmed me by jokingly threatening to leave and we continued kissing...till he decided to stick his tongue in my mouth and the giggles started all over again. Basically my first kisses consisted of me laughing in someones face for about 2 hours while I tried to calm my ass down cause that's the kind of girl I am. That entire story was only necessary to show how odd I am. But anyway, he and I dated for about 2 years until due to the fact that we....you know, I just wrote a couple sentences trying to explain us and why we had broken up but it's complicated and I'm not sure of the best way to put it into words without making this a long story...so basically we just didn't work out...perhaps at some later date I'll write the whole story but I can't right now. The point is after our break up he stopped talking to me(understandably so) but the one time I tried to contact him (it was 6 months later and it was something urgent I needed to speak to him about...it had nothing to do with us he was just the only person with the information I needed) he told me the info and informed me that I should never contact him again. Which I haven't...the problem is he still speaks to my mother and my stepfather and every time he calls one of them my stepfather goes on for days that I should call him and whatnot...but what the fuck would I say? "I'm sorry we didn't work out because we were young but I'd love to be friends now that it's a year later and I just broke up with my second bf who was a dick?" No, you can't say that. Ever. And it drives me insane that he has me blocked on fb. I thought that maybe because he sent a message to my mother and my step dad that, while we could never be friends(it would be too awkward for both of us) maybe we could be friendly-ish so I tried to look him up (he unfriended me after the breakup) and send him a message asking if this was ok...but I couldn't find him which is how I found out. Now the thing is...I understand completely why he did it. He didn't want to see me and all that jazz but it's been a year now and you can talk to my family and not me? Wtf? I'd rather my family not talk to him because all they do is try and get me to call him(which will accomplish nothing) and I know he hates me now. He hates me because I broke up with him. I broke up with him because all he did was put down everything I did and boost himself up and he'd hurt my feelings all the time and it was just....getting to my schoolwork and I couldn't handle it any more. He was shocked (I have no idea why I told him over and over again if this doesn't get better I'm going to have to for both our sakes we can't concentrate on our studies) and devastated. But dammit so was I! I just wasn't allowed to complain because I did the breaking up. The trouble was...I didn't really want to except that I knew it was right for us and nothing would change between us. If he and I had met into our 4th or 5th relationships then we would have been perfect, but we both had never had a relationship we didn't know how to be an us yet. It broke my heart too and I've never really gotten over it. And it hurts knowing that all our good memories are tainted by the fact that he hates me. I wasn't excepting us to be close afterwards but...I didn't know he'd hate me. It didn't help that in order to stop myself from going back to him I basically latched on to a guy(I really just wanted it to be a quick fling to help me forget him) but it lasted a whole year(of misery). I did really like #2 but he probably was never supposed to be more than a fling...ah the things you learn in a year. The whole 2nd guy thing made everything worse. Problem is I'm an idiot and I don't feel like writing anymore of this it's making me very upset....sigh I'll save the rest to bitch about at some later date I guess.
Oh and apologies to any and all spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm too lazy to fix them.
